Bah Twunting Humbug

This gastroshittypuckycoffsplutter bug that I have is driving me to distraction... I'm getting 20 minutes at a time and my neighbours must be really suffering from the constant flushing of my loo... mind you, she's stone deaf and he's got a gammy knee so not likely to run round to complain really. So what am I doing... I'm in bed, watching TOTP2... the xmas special... still, was worse earlier.. Viva Keneivil.. or how ever you spell it... Was enough to make me consider slashing my wrists as a healthy option...
Spoke to The Mister earlier, on line and with poor connection, all very odd but that's for tomorrow ... apparently I've excelled on the bluey fronts (I'll explain in the next post, far too complicated for a sicky ill bod to try to go through) Not sure I want that on my epitath.. wrote entertaining mails.. still, got another poor sap about to depart on the 27th, this time to Iraq... so he can get the brunt of my missives... wonder if that will piss of The Mister? He got the hump at my plans to sejourn at Cosford for a few days.. but maybe thats just because of who its with...

Right, just to make things perfectly clear... I don't always write in rhyme, but I have been poorly sicky bad for a few days and having worked my way through my drug cupboard I blame it entirely on that... I can however (and will do) write in paragraphs of more than 5 sentences and that will be my usual mode of entry. You will find the same names crop up from time to time, although one shall be refered to here on in as 'the mister'. All shall become clear as we progress.
I'm not an Xmas sort of person, so I'm not going to enter into all that bonhomie, infact as Xmas looks to be spent with the Queen and a pot noodle you will probably find me here producing more drivel....

As I'm on A Roll...

This is for one of the best friends a girl could want

I have a super oppo
And Stacie is her name
She's sexy, fun and loverly
And not in the least bit tame

She has a grin like no one else
She always makes me laugh
She's kind and oh so generous
And just a wee bit daft

She's going to be a nurse one day
For nutters just like me
And she will be a great on too
I know its meant to be

She picks me up when I am down
She lets me rattle on
She shares a house with my mate Jim
Although though he's Afghan gone

She lets me cry when I am low
And bears me when I'm mad
She tells me I am really great
Which truly can't be bad

I know she'll never let me down
And I be there for her too
My very gorgeous lovely mate
The Missy Stacie-Boo

Facebook...Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I really want to ditch Facebook... but it keeps me hanging in there with promises of the right person for me and what my future holds... yes ok.. I'm a sucker...

I really am quite worried
I've started to perspire
I'm being swamped on Facebook
And its getting rather dire

I think that half the Lebanon
would like to be my mate
I'm still not sure the reason why
So they will have to wait

There's trannies come from everywhere
that want to be my chum
But they have better legs than me
And I think they want my bum

I've got fetish freaks and stocking buffs
who think its all a ball
To add me to their list of friends
When I don't know them at all

And now I find I'm popular
Amongst the asian girls
Is it 'love me long time' that they want?
(well, I might give that a whirl)

The pseudo-psycho apps are mad
And really are quite scary
I'm Ghengis Khunt or so I'm told
I suppose that means I'm lairy

I'm Rita Heyworth, now that is quite a shock
A sexual guru too
A collossial deviant it would seem
Well, that gets a woo hoo!

I'm going to live til 89, which could be rather fun
If with a certain fella,
I'm kinky, so thats not too bad
Oh yeah, I'm also yellow

I've been kissed and shagged and made love to
By people I don't know
Had gifts of stinky xmas poo
Ho twunking ho ho ho

I really am quite bored of it
I think I will delete
Oh hang about, another mail...
Now HIM I'd like to meet!!

Hell has no fury...

I'm not really a jealous person, although I can be quite envious... this is more about my irrationality than any one woman... although, if the cap fits... :)


There's a man I know, infact quite well
Who really is quite lush
He's funny sweet and all those things
But me? I love his tush

He isn't mine, he's someone elses
The bloody jammy bitch
So time to get the spell book out
And be a feckin witch

I'm make all of her hair turn green
And warts grow on her nose
I'll make her smell of week old fish
Instead of like a rose

I'll make all of her teeth fall out
and turn her brain to mush
I'll magic her to Beachy Head
And give the girl a push

She'll eat until she's lardy
With wobbles on her tum
And cellulite just everywhere
Especially on her bum

I'll give her halitosis
and farts to kill a cat
I'll make her talk like chubby brown
You know just where I'm at

I'll voodoo her with dollies
Made out of smelly soap
Stick pins in all the places
Where he might have a poke

I'm really not so bad you know
and often good at times
But all is fair in love and war
Or somesuch on those lines

So will he want me back again?
At least that's what I hope
So witching is the way for me
Now pass that bar of soap